Commentary: How Willard Romney Will Create Jobs

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Commentary submitted by Weho resident Cary Harrison.

Willard "Mitt" Romney has a girthy track record of supporting the notion of new jobs where there once were none. We can look to American capitalized companies in China and an outsourced India as pleasing examples. Without the gubmint interference of an EPA, OSHA, or labor board, 2,273,392 outsourced jobs were created (by 2011) in which employees are ritually exposed to heavy metals, toxic chemicals, and the foreman's frisky bullwhip. Employees and families get to live many to a room and are granted flush toilets when behaving.

For such an ethical Religioso, we can fully appreciate this Latter Day Saint's motives when articulated through the conveyor belt of profit. Likewise, he represents a Grand Old Party in which rape is "God's will" and the inventory, commonly known as "woman" shall be raped at the pleasure of the Almighty—and expected to bring the fouled spawn to term. Vaunted Indiana and Missouri representatives have so righteously defended this morality on the same public stage upon which Willard financially undergirds himself. His morality is vibrantly clear and in concert with the glowing Paraclete of Malachite his fellow Elders maintain at the Golden Shrine on the Mormon home planet of Kolob.

When I worked for Clear Channel Broadcasting, Willard's blessed Bain Capitol offered a financial injection into the born-again Christian-based company's winking money-hole. We then enjoyed a fast bleed-off of thousands of jobs (which included health insurance and stable salaries), held formerly by successful, competent air talent and actual credentialed newsmen. They were replaced by a small handful of Texas-based employees to pre-record entire broadcasts that would then be placed on hundreds of stations and sold to the public as "live." Computers automatically drop in another recorded voice of a station's legal call letters and the entire charade was gorgeously complete.

Yes, there will be many new jobs under the Romney/Ryan plan, but they will mostly be offshore—likely Vietnam and other emerging Asian markets. Later, we will see the new restoration of factory work here in the US, once labor unions and worker protections have been fully excoriated as wanton acts of socialism. The gutting of America's infrastructure—from firemen to schoolteachers, aggressively privatized healthcare, water, fuel, and basic staples will provide a desperate environment in which the America's Got Talent viewer will be forced to embrace his inner Charlie Bucket and screw on toothpaste caps in Detroit. To bring the hugely profitable labor model of China back to the land of Lincoln will reduce return-from-China finished product shipping costs and other further irritating blemishes on the bottom line.

There is no room on Kolob for those who've been forewarned to "self-deport." Neither for the male hairdresser, businesswoman, nor Friend of Obama. HUD's current plan to "Section 8" acre after acre of public housing and public assets (from riverfront housing projects to the Jefferson Memorial) will allow private banks to foreclose on these assets if a Republican-controlled House chooses not to make "upkeep" loan payments exactly—exactly on schedule. This is to be the next and final "bubble." The nation has already been tapped of its various markets and the customer base has withered to a wheeze and a wobble. The only remaining major asset is the Public Sector—millions of acres of federal and state parks, monuments, municipal real estate, military holdings, federal lands, shrines, and vast coast-to-coast infrastructure. Private sector access through Section 8 means trillions in sales and commissions spewing from this jiggered spigot of opportunity.

Wall Street will roar and CNN will boast of the Market's inherent prowess and health. Fox and General Electric (MSNBC's parent company) will pirouette in glee while MSNBC screams foul. Bank of America, Wells Fargo, and Deutsche Bank will patriotically offer loan plans for maintenance and upkeep. The buzzards will pick and gnaw at the treasure trove of public real estate while the Jareds, Jasons, Jennifers and Josh's imagine their next 70 years on this skeletonized orb.

Since our public memory no longer celebrates the cautions of Orwell or Huxley, we should look instead more popularly to Mr. Ringling, Earth-based entrepreneur and lion-tamer. He would point his shiny-tipped baton at the stuttering pin-striped jackanapes CEO spinning an empty financial parlor trick, ringside. Watch Willard bait and woo 307 million spectator-voters, all force-crammed under his magical Kool-Aid Big Top.

Cary Harrison
West Hollywood Resident 

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